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Integration Exercise #14

Your Weekly Integration Exercise

What do you bring to your relationships

We are frequently looking for relationships based on what we get out of them. This is common behavior as we create relationships. Romantic, friendly, family, business relationships. We often interact from an unconscious way in relationships and go with or without them without really giving much thought about the dynamics at all.

What if you began taking a look at what you bring to your relationships. . .

What might you discover? About you? And about them? 

“To love ourselves and others too is
the most difficult and meaningful work to do.” – Sleeping At Last

It’s easy to get lost in relationships for a number of reasons; comfort, expectation, need, time, etc., etc.

I have recently had my own personal opportunity to see how my own relationships could use some attention. My niece, who became upset with me as the result of a mistake I made, decided not to talk to me. I was hurt, she was a niece who came to me for EVERYTHING. she shared her first sex experience with me, her first time getting drunk, her first pregnancy scare and so much more. When she decided not to talk with me, my ego response was, “well. . . I guess she won’t have anyone to share her special occasions with.” She is missing out more than me.

EGO bullshit. When I gave my ego a check, I was able to see how all the things I brought to the relationship, safe space, non-judgment, comfort, clarity, fun, adventure, inspiration, and so much more, no longer had a place to live. I realized, I too was missing out. I easily could have stuck to my ego mind of, “well that sucks, when she needs me again, she’ll call.” But what was true was that all the things I contributed to the relationship no longer lived when she wasn’t around. I finally realized then, that my contribution to my relationships were so much more important to me than what I got out of my relationships.

 . . . and that is an area of relationship understanding
that we frequently don’t have clarity on.
We usually stop at ego mind.

In today’s exercise, you will have a chance to see how your contribution to your relationships plays a role in your life.


Select 5 relationships in your life that are important to you:

Ex: my five: My partner, mom, dad, goddaughter, business partner

1. Write down their names and next to their name what it is that you contribute to that relationship. 
ex: Xan- connection, a safe space, adventure, cooking experience, fun, great listening, celebration.
Do this for all 5 people.

2. Now, for each person, write down why this relationship is important to you. 
Ex: Dad- He is the foundational part of who I am as a human, he was my first example of relationships to male figures, his life is eminent as he continues to age, he helps me understand life, his and mine.
Do this for all 5 people.

3. What would you like to be different in this relationship. Do this from a place of ownership vs blame.
Ex: Mom- I would like to find the patience to spend more time with her. I would like to learn how to not take her comments personally.
Do this for all 5 people.

4. In what ways can you increase the connection in this relationship. 
Ex: Partner- I can communicate what I need instead of expect him to know. I can be decisive in his questions about what I want.
Do this for all 5 people.

5. Is there any part of this relationship that could use some attention.
Ex: business partner-  I could make the time to create clarity for what I want from them and communicate this.
Do this for all 5 people.

6. What are you learning about your relationships from reflecting on and answering these questions?

7. Is there anything about how you show up in your relationships that you’d like to change? If so, what is it and how will you approach making these changes? If no, what are you satisfied with in your relationships?

8. How do you feel now that you are clear about what you bring to your relationships?

and finally, remember to celebrate yourself and your relationships for all that you are and all that you bring to your relationships!!!!

As always, consider sharing what has opened up as you completed the exercise.